Friday, June 24, 2016

There are times...

There are times when I regret that my cover is blown, that my deepest and darkest secrets have been exposed.  And then there are times, like today, that I'm thankful I don't have to keep the con going.
There are times I question my decision to share things that are so private and rather embarrassing, in black and white, for all to see. And then there are times that it feels so freeing, like a caged bird held ransom for so long has finally been set free...that it has once again found its voice.

There are times that I worry what people will think about me after reading these things; times that I publish something deeply personal and I feel sick to my stomach; times that I worry others will think know that I don't have it all together when they hear where I've been and what I've done.  Then, there are times when a friend sits down beside me and digs deeper into my story, asking questions-not to judge me, but to try to understand.  

There are times when it is so hard to tell the complete truth.  And then, there are times when it is much easier to just be honest.  

There are times when I wonder how far I have really come, that I doubt that I can ever really keep this thing called sobriety.  And then, there are times that I have an extremely rough evening; when old wounds are once again exposed and raw; when I feel responsible for the hurt that the people around me are feeling.  There are times when I want to get in my car and drive away from this.  But then there are times that I curl right up to the hurt and deal with it. That I feel it, rather than escape it.

There are times when I think I am so different than other drug addicts....that I am the exception.  And then there are times I realize we are all just the same.  

There are times I am embarrassed that I'm a drug addict, that I want to pretend I am someone else.  And then there are times I just own it, that I have healthy pride in the fact I came so close to death, yet managed to escape it. 

There are times that I wallow in self pity, that I feel sorry for myself and think that I've got it so rough.  And then there are times when I realize how truly blessed and fortunate I am.

There are times, like today, that I feel like throwing the towel in, like giving up. And then, there are times, like today, that I decide, instead, to press on.  

That I dig my fingernails into the last board that I am hanging onto.  

That I close the medicine cabinet rather than open it.

That I pick up one foot and put it in front of the other.  

That I choose joy rather than sorrow.

That I choose real over counterfeit.

That I choose humility over pride.

That I choose gratitude instead of self-pity.

That I choose presence over escape.

That I choose courage instead of fear.

That I choose honesty rather than deception.

That I choose sight instead of blindness.

That I choose to fight instead of surrender.

That I choose the future over the past.  

That I choose companionship instead of loneliness.

That I choose to unlock the cell rather than to stay imprisoned.  

That I choose to be a warrior instead of a victim.  

That I choose lieu of death.  

Read my confession about the daily struggle of staying clean by clicking here.


  1. Another wonderful entry. Thank you. And even if someone is not an addict, the choice to live in gratitude is still a difficult decision, at times. Big hugs to you.

    1. You are so right, Lori! Hugs right back to you.