Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Depression has a voice...and it is loud!







There are two voices in a constant battle for control in my mind.  One wants the best for me.  And the other?  The other wants to kill me. 


My heart tells me to get out of bed, enjoy the day...do something productive.  Depression tells me to close the blinds, draw the curtains, and crawl back into bed.

My heart tells me to make plans with a friend for lunch...something fun.  Depression tells me not to bother; that I probably won't feel like going anyway.

My heart tells me to open, read, and answer that private message or e-mail I received.  Depression tells me to ignore it, that I don't have the energy to reply.

My heart tells me to answer the phone.  Depression tells me that I don't feel like talking.

My heart tells me to reach out to my friends...the ones I KNOW that I can count on.  Depression tells me to bury my head in the sand and pretend that everything is fine...and to crawl back into bed.

My heart tells me to keep that appointment, that I need to go.  Depression tells me to call and cancel.

My heart tells me to open up and talk to someone when I have a problem.  Depression tells me that I am a nuisance to others, to keep it to myself. 

My heart tells me to get up, shower, put make-up on, and get dressed.  Depression tells me to stay in last night's pajamas and watch Netflix.

My heart tells me to go do something fun with my kids.  Depression tells me to stay locked in my room.

My heart tells me to go to that ballgame, recital, or school play.  Depression tells me to stay at home in my cave.

My heart tells me to wake up when my alarm goes off.  Depression tells me I can't possibly handle the day.

My heart tells me to get involved at church.  Depression tells me that I will never follow through.

My heart tells me to give back.  Depression tells me not to fool myself, that I will only take.

My heart tells me to go wash my nine year old daughter's hair.  Depression tells me she is old enough to do it herself. 

My heart tells me that WE DO RECOVER.  Depression tells me that sobriety is a short-lived facade.  

My heart tells me to go on a walk, to enjoy the beauty of nature.  Depression tells me to stare at the walls inside my dark bedroom.

My heart tells me to go to a meeting.  Depression tells me "not today". 

My heart (and my bank account) tells me to file a claim for the E-bay purchase I got scammed in (true story).  Depression tells me to do it tomorrow....or maybe the next day.

My heart tells me to make my bed so that I don't crawl back in it.  Depression tells me to dive right in.

My heart tells me to do something that I love.  Depression tells me to lie in misery.

My heart tells me to pick up my laptop and write.  Depression tells me that I will look like a dismal failure. 

My heart tells me to be proud of how far I've come.  Depression tells me to doubt it. 

My heart tells me to be compassionate.  Depression tells me to be apathetic.

My heart tells me to have joy.  Depression tells me it doesn't exist.

My heart tells me to be grateful. Depression tells me there is nothing to be grateful for.

My heart tells me to connect.  Depression tells me to isolate.


My heart tells me to laugh.  Depression tells me to cry.
  

My heart tells me to love.  Depression tells me to hate.

   
My heart tells me to live.  Depression tells me to die.


Which voice do I listen to?  I wish it were an easy and sure answer.  I wish that I could say that I ALWAYS listen to my heart. However, many days the voice of depression is the loudest one...the one that I obey. 

Every single day I must make a choice to listen to my heart.
 
Every single day I must strive for progress, not perfection.
 
For example, today, while wearing last night's pajamas, I said yes to an invitation to a Ladies' Night Out with one of my very best friends.  I hesitated at first because I don't know anyone at her church, and I don't know if I will feel like going once the day comes. But, then I reminded myself that I NEVER laugh more than when I am in her presence.  Why would I let depression rob me of that?? 

One thing is for sure, when I listen to my heart, there are rarely any regrets.  When I listen to depression, there are a lifetime of them. 

So, today I choose to listen to my heart, to do what will bring me a feeling of contentment and gratitude when my head hits the pillow tonight...even if I am still wearing yesterday's pajamas. 


P.S.  Depression told me to let my husband take the kids to the movies this evening while I stay at home and sit in quiet solitude.  My heart said to get in the car and go with them.  Today I am choosing to listen to my heart.  Hopefully my body will follow.


********If you also struggle with depression, please comment below and tell me how you make the decision to not listen to its powerful voice.  We can help one another!




4 comments:

  1. Too often I let that voice win out for me too! How many social events or family times I've missed! It's comforting to know others have those conversations in their heads too!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes! We miss out on so much when we listen to that voice. And then we are filled with so much regret for missing out. Such a viscious cycle.

      Delete
    2. Oh yes! We miss out on so much when we listen to that voice. And then we are filled with so much regret for missing out. Such a viscious cycle.

      Delete
  2. I let my depression rob me of my children a lifetime regret I'll never lose

    ReplyDelete